I guess I need to start with a little background info. Prior to meeting my husband 10 years ago...(actually when I think about it today is exactly 10 years since the day we got engaged.) I had this idea in my head that I probably wouldn't get married. I thought I might be one of those single missionaries working in Africa or something. I had been to Bible school for 2 years and my head was full of romantic ideas about life and my relationship with God(kind of like my premarital romantic notions about marriage). I looked at Christians who appeared to have it all together and measured myself against them. I never quite measured up. I never really prayed enough, couldn't keep my junk on track, and I didn't feel close to God all the time. At bible school I had heard about theologians and monks who dedicated their life to prayer and knowing God. In comparison to me, they seemed to have it all together too. In my mind I figured that that was where I should be and concluded that I was pretty much sucking at getting there. Shortly before I met Will I had an experience with God that dramatically changed my life and brought me to a place where I felt like I measured up to what I expected myself to be as a Christian(don't worry I have grown up a lot since then and I realize that being a Christian is a process with ups and downs just like a marriage). I felt like I was finally on the track that I expected myself to be on with God. In the midst of that I met Will and got engaged and I was truly on cloud 9. We both had grand ideas about what God was going to do with our lives and when He put us together we were excited to see where and how He was going to use us. THEN WE GOT MARRIED AND THE TIME JUST WENT BY. The things that we expected God was going to do, didn't happen. Instead we struggled together through a time where I dealt with anxiety and depression daily for 2 years. I felt like I was losing my mind most of the time but God had provided a man for me who had been there and he encouraged me to fight with God's weapons(prayer/faith etc). We walked together through some financially hard times, worked through many issues in relation to our past, had 3 children, bought and sold our first house, and experience periods of closeness in our relationship and times when we struggled to even like each other. Because things hadn't panned out the way I had expected, I always felt like I/we were on "hold". I figured that God would use us later when we weren't so busy with this season of life. And this is where the freedom part comes in. Although I have felt like I was on "hold", I know that God has continued to work in my life. He has taught me so much about men and women and marriage over the years that I dare say I could write a book...or at the very least a blog:) I have been truly blessed by what he has taught me and humbled that I have had the chance to share it with others. But even still, deep down I still measured myself against those monks that had it all together in their relationship with God. I still don't pray enough or spend enough time getting to know Him... sometimes I feel close and sometimes far away(which is completely and totally human and normal). Anyways because of my commitment to 30 days of prayer for marriage I have had the opportunity to hear about a book called "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. I got the book last week and what I read in the first chapter has changed the way I think about our lives together. The thing about the monks and theologians who I've measured myself against for so long, is that they were single. SINGLE!!! God has chosen something different for my life. He has chosen to refine me and teach me about Himself within the context of MARRIAGE. I am not on "hold' because I am married and having kids. I am exactly where he wants me to be. That is so freeing to me. It totally obliterates my old way of thinking and places tremendous value on my life now. I am walking the road that God chose for me. He is teaching me things about Him within the context of being married. He uses my struggles, conflict with my husband, and frustrations to bring me closer to Him. In the bible, our relationship with God is compared to the relationship between a husband and wife. I had never really considered this before, but as I have walked through this life with my husband feeling like I was on "hold", I now see how it parallels my relationship with God. There is a depth that comes as a result of walking day to day through the struggles, challenges, and joys of marriage that far surpasses the feelings of infatuation we felt for each other in the beginning. Trust has grown... hopefully we've all changed in good ways. My relationship with God is the same. The mountaintop experience that changed my life before I met Will was awesome, but it does not compare to the depth that has come as a result of walking through the struggles of life with Him.
This message might just be for me, but I thought I would at least share a little about where I am on the journey.
Thanks for praying with me. Only 10 days to go. However I think I might just have to keep going a little longer.
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