A little detour(but not)...God does speak

Ok.  So today I am up early. At 5:52 am a full bladder woke me up and I decided no to go back to sleep.  I had the feeling that I needed to spend some time reading my Bible and praying.  So I saw Will off to work ...and then I sat down at the computer and opened Facebook!  (Yes I am an avoider).  I knew that I needed to face an issue in my life, but I like to drag my feet.  So after 15 minutes I got off the computer and asked God for some help.   

I'm going to need to insert a little history for you here.  Like a lot of women, I have struggled with my weight all my life.  It has been a battle that I have not ever had success in without GOD.  In the past, I have hated myself and felt robbed of years and confidence.  As a teenager and young adult, I spent a lot of time hiding.  Over the last few years God has really restored my confidence and made me into a person that actually believes that she is beautiful...no matter what the scale says.  A little over a year ago, when Rowan was nearly 1, and after struggling for months to get my eating under control, I decided to give Suzanne Sommer's program a try.  It's nothing radical, but you do have to change the way you eat.  I cut out sugar completely and followed the guidelines in her books.  With God's help (although it seemed so easy) I stuck to it and the scale started to move down.  I felt amazing and loved to be able to shop in normal stores again.  But the biggest thing was the freedom I experienced from the compulsion to eat.  It  was a blessing to be free of the battle. This way of eating seemed to be the answer for me and I felt like it was something that I could do for life. 

Then around Christmas time last year I started to slip and I have never quite managed to get the same freedom back for longer than a few months and lately I haven't even managed to make it more than a week or two.  Last week, in an attempt to refocus me on the battle, my husband said something without thinking that pretty much took all the remaining fight out of me.  I have been feeling discouraged to say the least.  I guess this is just a little elaboration on what I had to say yesterday.

So this morning as I sat and asked for God to help me, this verse came to mind... literally popped into my head... "for the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, SELF CONTROL".   I knew that I needed that, I just didn't exactly know how to get it.    So I flipped open my bible... not deliberately to any particular page.  I just opened it up and this is what I saw in Galatians 5.  A heading that read WALKING IN THE SPIRIT.  What?  IS it really possible that God cares enough to speak so clearly?  I read on and it said..."I say then, walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; And these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do what you wish."(NO KIDDING! that is the battle within me)  At some point my own strength for the battle wears thin and I give in again to the desire to binge.  " Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, IDOLATRY, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, ...etc. etc....BUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONG SUFFERING, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF CONTROL"  Ok, so at this point I am convinced that God did hear me and is speaking to me!!!  He answered my question and as I scanned the page, He even addressed my fear of losing the freedom that I have experienced this past year.   As I went back to the beginning of Galatians 5 I read..."Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage." God wants me to be free as much as I want to be free!  

I am convinced that this is God's word for me in my battle.  He wants me to gain strength for the battle in relationship with Him.  To be fed by His word and filled by Him instead of filling myself with something that leaves me empty, guilty, and discouraged.  Because I lack discipline in my life, I am committing (in writing) to another 30 days... although I know that I will need to go beyond that and into the rest of my life.

 

At first glance this might have seemed like a little detour from the marriage battle, but look at the "fleshy" list again.  We battle all of that in our marriages and we desperatly need the fruit of the Spirit.  God's strength to fight and win the battle in our marriage to be loving, joyful, peaceful, long suffering, kind, good, gentle and self controlled.

If you feel the need to commit to this with me in your area of struggle, please do.  And share with me along the journey.  I will be blogging.

Beyond 30 days.

Well friends our 30 day challenge has passed and I have not had the chance to update the blog.  Actually I have had the chance, but I have not had anything productive to say.  In truth I have been struggling with a negative attitude, lonliness, and a lack of motivation for regular life.  I guess I go through seasons like that now and then.  SO I have not blogged, although praying and blogging probably would've helped me.

Yesterday in church, my pastor spoke about the battleground that is our mind and it hit home in a lot of areas.  Will and I have been on a huge faith adventure for the last few months and up until a couple of weeks ago, I had been filled with hope and FAITH for our future and God's plan for us.  Then Will's faith slipped a bit and he got stressed out and I started to DOUBT.  I also noticed that God wasn't working the way I thot that he should.  I still forget that His ways are not ours and I forget that He usually has things to teach us in the process that don't happen during smooth sailing.   Because our future has felt so unknown, I have become impatient and negative and for the last couple of weeks, the peace that I have had has slowly dissipated.  But God is so good.  He doesn't let me flounder there forever.  So today I begin the day with a new perspective.  #1 God's ways are not our ways.  He can see the whole road, not just what we can see.  If He takes me on a detour I need to trust that He can see something on the road that I can't.  #2  My faith and mood cannot be determined by Will's faith and frame of mind.  I need to stand in faith regardless of where he's at.  That is a hard thing for a woman I think. And #3 is a continuation of what I said the last time I blogged.  I need to remember the battle.  When I slip into a pattern of negative thinking, when I start to pick myself apart for all my flaws, when I am anxious about my future, when I forget about God's goodness, when I am wallowing in my lonliness, I need to train my mind with the truth of God's word.   God is GOOD...all the time.  He has made me who I am, and he doesn't make mistakes...I need to be satisfied with ME and trust Him to work out the MESS that I still see.  I need to trust that He has good things in store for me even when He's taking me in a direction that I didn't expect.  And I need to get up off the couch and stop wallowing.

I have a  funny little side note to this message.  The other day(4 days ago) when I was bored and frustrated with the kids being bored and in my face.  I decided to read to them from a book that my dad read to us as kids.  It told a story about a kid who was never satisfied because he always wanted more.  His brother encouraged him to want what he already had.  And be thankful.  I sat there and told the kids about trusting God even when He doesn't give us what we think we need.  I told them about the road too.  It is kind of funny/ironic that although I sat there and shared that message with them like I knew it, God still needed to SHOW it to me so I could actually GET it.

I still want to encourage you all about marriage and I will keep blogging now and then, but today I thot I'd just share a little bit about my life.  Hope you and your marriages are well.

To those of you sharing the adventure with me...

I have to say that the last couple of days have been a challenge for me.  For some reason I have been feeling bored and lonely and battling a bit with the "blues"  I find that my immediate response is to wallow in it for a while.  For some reason I just accept it.  So for the past couple days I have been moping around trying to put a finger on the source of my bad mood.   Basically I forget to fight.  I forget that there is a spiritual battle going on, not just a physical/emotional battle.  SO last night as I was complaining to my husband about how I was feeling... expecting/hoping for some sympathy "Oh poor me"... he gave me something that I had missed.  The truth.  "Why are you wallowing there?" "Have you prayed?" "Yes you have some stress, but you need to do something else to take your mind off of it"  Don't you just hate it when people tell you the truth :)   Hmmmmm novel idea.  I dealt with 2 years of depression/anxiety and I dare say that I learned to fight with God's weapons.  But how quickly I forget.  Somehow the truth really had escaped me...and so I took a moment and embraced it again... and I continue to as my 2 year old throws a temper tantrum and my 7 year old wakes me up with his yelling and I am tempted again to indulge in my lonliness and frustration.   Now that I am writing this out, I believe that God has given me this little lesson so that I have something to give to you.  Marriage is not too much different from my struggle these last few days.  We often get distracted by all the things that our spouse fails to do.  We get bombarded by bitterness and search for the source outside ourselves. We wallow in "Oh woe is me that I need to work so hard". ETC.   Sometimes we even let ourselves stay there... some of us longer than others.  The thing is that the battle goes beyond the physical/relational level and we need to really get that.  Just as my battle goes beyond emotions and hormones.  We have a faith-battle to fight in the spirit for marriage too..."for our struggle is not just against flesh and blood".    Our spouse is not our enemy, but believe me when I tell you that we have a very crafty one who knows exactly where to attack us( think of that the next time you are angry at your spouse and you are bombarded with thought after thought about his shortcomings... past junk and things completely unrelated to the current situation)  

God's purpose for marriage is to refine us and teach us about Him...to draw us close to Him in our struggles and to depend on Him when our spouse falls short.  Not only that, but He brings forth new life as we become one.  A strong and lasting marriage brings glory to God.  We have an enemy who daily works against God's purpose for us and our marriages.  he would like nothing more than to destroy that solid foundation.  I think that truth escapes us in the midst of marital struggle.  We forget where the battle really is.  I forget.  BUT I THINK THAT IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT WE REMEMBER AND FIGHT.  I think that is the main reason that I need to pray.  We can go on a crusade to teach all of the most helpful tools to make a marriage work, but the bottom line, tools are man-made and they fail.  Not to say that the tools are bad, but I believe that our main defense needs to be prayer.  So I pray that God would bless your marriages and strengthen them to withstand the battle.  I pray that He would open your eyes to see that there is a war to be fought and that He would teach you to use His weapons.  May He call you to pray for your marriage and your spouse and to stand in prayer for others.  Lord bless my friends. 

Oh and one more thing that I think is also important...Although the truth wasn't exactly what I was hoping for from Will last night, it is exactly what I needed to hear.  I have 2 or 3 friends in my life that tell me the truth like that and although it doesn't feel good all the time, it shows me that they actually love me enough to be concerned about my character and my marriage.  Please do the same.   It is good to listen when people need to talk or vent, but is is even more important to point them to the truth when they are done.  We are not helping each other when we allow each other to stay stuck...even if we have nothing else to say but gently remind them of the battle.  "Yes your situation is crappy and I have no idea what I would do in your position, but don't forget that you have an enemy that wants nothing more than to see your marriage fail.  Don't let him win.   You have a God that can change hearts and attitudes and redeem situations that seem hopeless...go to Him."  They might not be super happy with you, but they will know that you love them enough to tell them the truth.

Day 20...a perspective that brings freedom

Wow, it is amazing how time flies.  I wanted to have a chance to write last night, but I had to take time out to feed my husband when he came home at 9:30 last night.  I was nearly done praying over some of the stuff that God has really taught me over the last 20 days and I was just getting ready to write when he came home early.  Hopefully I can recall my train of thought and God will give me the words to encourage and convey the new freedom I feel.  

I guess I need to start with a little background info.  Prior to meeting my husband 10 years ago...(actually when I think about it today is exactly 10 years since the day we got engaged.) I had this idea in my head that I probably wouldn't get married.  I thought I might be one of those single missionaries working in Africa or something.  I had been to Bible school for 2 years and my head was full of romantic ideas about life and my relationship with God(kind of like my premarital romantic notions about marriage).  I looked at Christians who appeared to have it all together and measured myself against them.   I never quite measured up.  I never really prayed enough, couldn't keep my junk on track, and I didn't feel close to God all the time.  At bible school I had heard about theologians and monks who dedicated their life to prayer and knowing God.  In comparison to me, they seemed to have it all together too.  In my mind I figured that that was where I should  be and concluded that I was pretty much sucking at getting there.  Shortly before I met Will I had an experience with God that dramatically changed my life and brought me to a place where I felt like I measured up to what I expected myself to be as a Christian(don't worry I have grown up a lot since then and I realize that being a Christian is a process with ups and downs just like a marriage).  I felt like I was finally on the track that I expected myself to be on with God.  In the midst of that I met Will and got engaged and I was truly on cloud 9.  We both had grand ideas about what God was going to do with our lives and when He put us together we were excited to see where and how He was going to use us.  THEN WE GOT MARRIED AND THE TIME JUST WENT BY.  The things that we expected God was going to do, didn't happen.  Instead we struggled together through a time where I dealt with anxiety and depression daily for 2 years.  I felt like I was losing my mind most of the time but God had provided a man for me who had been there and he encouraged me to fight with God's weapons(prayer/faith etc).  We walked together through some financially hard times, worked through many issues in relation to our past, had 3 children, bought and sold our first house, and experience periods of closeness in our relationship and times when we struggled to even like each other.  Because things hadn't panned out the way I had expected, I always felt like I/we were on "hold".  I figured that God would use us later when we weren't so busy with this season of life.   And this is where the freedom part comes in.  Although I have felt like I was on "hold", I know that God has continued to work in my life.  He has taught me so much about men and women and marriage over the years that I dare say I could write a book...or at the very least a blog:)  I have been truly blessed by what he has taught me and humbled that I have had the chance to share it with others.  But even still, deep down I still measured myself against those monks that had it all together in their relationship with God.  I still don't pray enough or spend enough time getting to know Him... sometimes I feel close and sometimes far away(which is completely and totally human and normal).  Anyways because of my commitment to 30 days of prayer for marriage I have had the opportunity to hear about a book called "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas.  I got the book last week and what I read in the first chapter has changed the way I think about our lives together.  The thing about the monks and theologians who I've measured myself against for so long, is that they were single.  SINGLE!!!  God has chosen something different for my life.  He has chosen to refine me and teach me about Himself within the context of MARRIAGE.  I am not on "hold' because I am married and having kids.  I am exactly where he wants me to be.  That is so freeing to me.  It totally obliterates my old way of thinking and places tremendous value on my life now.  I am walking the road that God chose for me.  He is teaching me things about Him within the context of being married.  He uses my struggles, conflict with my husband,  and frustrations to bring me closer to Him.   In the bible, our relationship with God is compared to the relationship between a husband and wife.  I had never really considered this before, but as I have walked through this life with my husband feeling like I was on "hold", I now see how it parallels my relationship with God.  There is a depth that comes as a result of walking day to day through the struggles, challenges, and joys of marriage that far surpasses the feelings of infatuation we felt for each other in the beginning.  Trust has grown... hopefully we've all changed in good ways.  My relationship with God is the same.  The mountaintop experience that changed my life before I met Will was awesome, but it does not compare to the depth that has come as a result of walking through the struggles of life with Him.  

This message might just be for me, but I thought I would at least share a little  about where I am on the journey.

Thanks for praying with me.  Only 10 days to go.  However I think I might just have to keep going a little longer.

A little serving of hope.

Well we've oficially passed the midpoint in our 30 days.  I think that we're somewhere around Day 17 and it has been an eye opening time for me.  Last week I decided to send a little note out to my Facebook friends.  I think quite a few were following along already, but I wanted to give the opportunity for feedback.  I sent out the following letter:

Because you are my friends I am asking for a little help and some hope. I have been feeling overwhelmed and sad lately because I keep hearing stories about Christian marriages falling apart. The more I dialog with my friends the more I realize that we're all noticing the same thing...it seems like an epidemic of deception. It is scary to me that the foundations of the "family" as we know it are under attack. We have been fighting long and hard against other attacks on the sanctity of marriage, but now I am wondering if all of that is a smokescreen to distract from what is actually going on in marriages within the church?

Almost 2 weeks ago I started a quest to pray every day for marriage/marriages and I asked people to join me. I also started a blog where I have been sharing some of the stuff God is and has been teaching me in relation to marriage over the years. 

What I need from you is hope. I am seeing marriages dissolve and I am looking for hope. Are we standing? Are we praying? Are we seeing broken marriages redeemed. Please tell me. 

I am believing in a God who can restore a broken marriage. He has redeemed mine in a major way over the last few years. Tell me I'm not alone in this? Tell me if I'm wrong. Does God not hate divorce anymore? Does he allow it for other reasons besides marital unfaithfulness or if an unbelieving spouse leaves? Is there another biblical truth that I am missing?

All I am asking for is honest feedback. Don't include names, but if you have a story of hope...tell me. I believe with all my heart that God is the only answer to a lasting marriage. And I am standing on that, but I also know that people may be reading my blog who need to "see" hope like Thomas needed to feel the wounds in Jesus's hands and sides. 

If you want to join me in my quest...do it. I committed to 30 days...please join me. If you are so inclined visit my blog too. Thank you if you already are.

Thanks for listening and sharing if you are able. God bless you and your marriages. 

I got quite a lot of positive feedback, but I also got a couple of great messages of hope.  I want to share one of them with you.  Some of you might have allready read it, but here it is again if you didn't.  It's from a friend of mine who's was in a very serious car accident with her husband.   She could have ran from a situation that ended up being a lot more work than she expected, but she stayed...and has been blessed.  Here's what she had to say:

You're right about not knowing what you're getting yourself into. When I said "I do" I became wife, lover, nurses aide, physiotherapist, counselor, secretary, business associate, maid, personal shopper, and the list gets beyond managing when you add 'mother' to it. My Will and I have had some pretty rough times with his car wreck stuff...there have been so many many moments when all I could do was sink to the ground and weep because I had to carry so much by myself. Newly married and living on our own for the first time, trying to keep us afloat on just my salary, in and out of hospital, infections, useless doctors. Lots of moments where I would pray for strength, take deep breaths and feel the strength I needed running through me. I started to see that it wasn't just strength, but the awareness of God's love for Will that I could be a vessel for. Imagine having something in common with God! God's love for me is not just a feeling, it's in what he's done for me, and with me. So my love for my husband can be in all the things I do with and for him. GOD DOEN'T TEST US TO SEE IF WE'RE STRONG ENOUGH. HE TESTS US SO THAT WE WILL KNOW THAT WE'RE STRONG ENOUGH. I have a great deal of hope for my marriage's future. William will never get the use of his leg back. He may not be able to walk once he's forty. Docotrs have threatened us with crippling arthritis, neurological degeneration, infertility and even amputation of that leg. All I can say is that it's a good thing God gave us each other, we're going to need us. Our love is the stronger for the rough road. There is always hope!!

My Friend has chosen in  her moments of despair to call on God for strength.  And He came through for her with a perspective that we could all use.  When we choose to love our spouse we are a vessel of God's love for them.  In my own marriage I have come to see that Will and I are not together by some random accident.  Everything in my life leading up to the point when I said "I do" was preparing me to be the right woman for my husband.  God knew that I had just the right stuff to not only put up with the man that I have, but also to bless and love him the way that he needed.  I know that we all carry junk into our marriages.  We have different insecurities and different needs.  I know from experience that my husband sees my junk and he speaks God's truth to me where I need it.  He has strengths where I have weaknesses and vice versa.  Don't sell yourself short my friends.  You are God's gift to one another.  We need to believe that and choose like my friend, to be a vessel of love to our spouse and to see God at work in our lives together.

If you have a message of hope in relation to what we've been talking about, please feel free to share it.  I also want to encourage you to be open with people about your areas of struggle in marriage.  Sometimes we fall into the trap of trying to convince everyone that we're O.K.  when really we aren't.  That is a dangerous place.  When we are vulnerable and honest, we give others the opportunity to offer support and encouragement...AND PRAYER.   Sharing your life also lets others know that they are not alone in their struggles...that can make a huge difference to someone looking for a reason to stick it out.

Keep praying with me.

May God bless your marriages.

A funny little side note.

As I have been doing this blog and praying for marriage, I have had more than one person recommend the book called Sacred Marriage.  So today I decided to go to The House Of James and grab it.  I figured that I should probably check it out.  When I read "Love and Respect"...the book that changed my marriage, one of my friends had picked it up for the same reason...a few people had mentioned she should.  So this afternoon before I started making dinner, I thot I'd open the book and read a few pages.  When I flipped it open what I saw was this...A blank page with these words written in the middle.

      For Lisa

Of course that's the name of the Author's wife, but to me it was a little note from my Father.

What is a vow?

This entry may be a little different because I'm in the middle of processing some things.  I was chatting with Will last night about all this marriage stuff and the thing that stuck out to me was something about VOWS.  So I am in the process of researching the significance of a VOW to God(and each other as well), which is what we take when we get married.  Feel free to add info and feedback is very welcome as usual.  

The definition of the word vow in the dictionary is:1 A solemn(serious, grave, deeply earnest) promise or pledge, esp. one made to God, dedicating oneself to an act, service or way of life.2 a solemn(serious,grave deeply earnest) promise of love(see 1Corinthians 13...the dictionary didn't say that...I did) and fidelity(faithful obligation to duty or to ones obligations or vows, loyalty, faithfulness) 3 A solemn promise or asserition.

In Numbers 30:1-2 it says this about a vow... Then Moses spoke to he heads of the tribes concerning the children of Isreal saying, "This is the thing which the Lord has commanded:  If a man makes a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by some agreement, he shall not break his word;  he shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth.

And then on a different note, we are created in God's image, and with His words He spoke things into being.  This says that words are weighty.  They hold power and we should not utter them lightly...especially in marriage.  

The more I consider my own experience and talk to others about this subject the more I am convinced that we have been deceived.  The majority of women that I talk to had no idea what they were getting into when they got married.  We have been so brainwashed to believe that love is something that feels good.  When the expectation is shattered, we tend to flounder.  I myself floundered for months trying to replace what I thot was reality with God's truth about Love and Marriage.  For some the floundering is too much and instead of ditching the fairy tale they ditch the marriage,  opting to keep searching for something that they will never find.  God's design for marriage wasn't solely for our enjoyment, although there is much to enjoy.  His design was for our continued perfecting...That means, as we face the challenges that arise in marriage, our true nature(not often pretty) comes out and we are forced to surrender that part of ourselves to God.  Our junk doesn't tend to come up when things are going well...it is in the trials that our character can be refined.  

In my case the vows are made and I have no intention of breaking them even now that I know the truth.  My word on my wedding day before God, Will and my family stands.  I'm just wondering what we can do to counteract the deception.  How can we prepare young people for the reality of marriage, so that when the trials come their foundations are not shaken.  I want the vows that we make on our wedding day to be a weighty, lifetime, solemn commitment,  not just a nice romantic tradition.  I don't even know if what I'm saying is plausible.   I want our promises to each other to mean a lifetime NO MATTER WHAT,  not AS LONG AS I CAN HANDLE IT OR AS LONG AS IT STILL FEELS GOOD.

So those are the thoughts to consider for the day.  What does your WORD or VOW mean to you?  What do they mean to God?  And how in the world can we do something different?  How can we help people count the cost so their words are truly a promise to devote themselves to a lifetime of fulfilling them.

Love suffers long...what???

OK, I'm back.  I spent the whole weekend without access to a computer.  How I ever managed to do it, I'll never know:)  I have continued to pray for marriages although I admit I did a quickie once or twice this week.  I have to tell you that I have just experienced a day where it was a struggle to practice what I have been preaching.  Upon his return from a 4 day fishing trip, I found my husband to be snappy and full of observations about my shortcomings...due to the frustration of not catching many fish.   I was offended, hurt, defensive and angry...after all he had just enjoyed his 3rd mini vacation from life in a month and I figured he should come home refreshed and overflowing with thankfulness to me for handling things while he was gone.  But that has not been my reality over the last 24 hours.  Somehow though things seem to have resolved themselves and I managed to avoid freaking out, which is alway a bonus.

Anyways today as I was praying I was thinking a bit about love in our "instant gratification" generation and I made a connection that I had never made before.  1 Corinthians 13:4 begins with {LOVE SUFFERS LONG, is kind, love is not envious, love is not vain, is not puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not pursue it's own things, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wrongs but rejoices with the truth, quietly covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails.}  Wow...now that is a tall order to fill, but I got stuck today on the "LOVE SUFFERS LONG"  part.  Some translations of the Bible say "love is patient", but I think that the word patient falls short in describing what is actually expected.   To me, SUFFERING IMPLIES SOMETHING UNPLEASANT AND PAINFUL...being patient is generally just really irritating,   I wonder if the reason people are willing to give up on marriage so quickly is because they aren't acquainted with that facet of loving someone.   No one told us that marriage would be challenging/bordering on impossible at times.  We did not expect a spouse that hurt us and seemed unwilling to change.  We didn't realize that when it came down to it men and women are completely different and hard to understand from our own point of view.   I know I expected a man that would love me the way I loved him...and if he happened to fall short on that he would just have to change.   I did not expect that "suffering long" would be part of the deal.  

I have a sneaking suspicion that we are not mentally prepared, a lot of us, to "suffer long".  We are accustomed to instant gratification.  We like to get the end result without a lot of effort.  We suffer a little and it hurts or downright sucks, so we put a limit on the amount we're willing to endure.  We vowed "till death do us part", but does that really imply suffering THAT long?  I think that it does...but I don' t look at that as a life sentence.  Because I have experienced the power of God in my life, I trust/have faith/believe that as I walk in willingness to suffer long(something that ultimately takes prayer and God's strength)  He will either change the situation, or change me.  There is something to be learned in walking through the struggles that we will miss it if we abandon ship.  

When I tell my husband that I love him, I am not talking about the "feeling"  but a commitment to "suffer long" with him.  And I'm sure at times he is "suffering long" with me.  Thankfully through the seasons of life as God works out the junk in us, there are times when there's not too much in the way of suffering and we can just enjoy each other.  For some of us those moments are fleeting and we need to enjoy them while we can.  And for some it takes all our strength and faith in God to believe that we'll ever get there.  And it is for you that I most pray.  And to you I aspire to offer hope.  When you can't go on in your own strength...your only hope is to get on your knees.  When you can't muster up the love, when you can't find reasons to respect or the strength to do it, when you can't get past the hurt you feel your spouse has done to you, when bitterness is hardening your heart and forgiveness seems impossible, when you don't know how to trust anymore...God is your only chance...He is the only answer that I have in life and marriage.  

 I don't think the wording in 1 Corinthians 13 is just a fluke.  Beginning with "Love suffers long" is God's way of telling us the truth so we'll be a little less surprised when loving our spouse seems like a lot of work.

A loaded question...

One of my closest friends left me this comment..."hey I hear you so clear when one is married to a basically well meaning spouse and is dealing with life's little frustrations, but what do you say to the spouse who's dealing with more serious issues?  Infidelity, you commented on it at one point?  Financial despair?  Emotional Abuse?  Someone with mental health issues?  Or addictions?  Some thoughts please...(p.s. I know your stance, but sharing some might help)"

  

Wow, that is more than enough to keep me busy for the next 23 days.  But I will attempt to touch on some of it now.

This question makes me a bit nervous because ultimately I will say something that is offensive to someone, but I will focus on the basic truths as I know them.  As a side note to start off I need to say that although I believe that no situation is bigger than God can handle or redeem, I do not believe that a spouse should stay in a situation where they are in physical danger.   And In the case of infidelity, a spouse has every right to leave, although I believe with my whole heart that God can even redeem a situation where a spouse has been unfaithful.    I just pray that I never have need to walk through that process.  

I have not made it any secret that I believe that God is the key to a lasting marriage and some of what I am going to say comes out of a deep faith in Him and in His word.  In 10 years I have been through some weighty trials in marriage.  Although on the surface they may not compare to actual infidelity, financial despair, or abuse, they did evoke a conflict within myself and inflicted pain that was hard to bear.  We cannot compare our suffering with another's because the trials we walk through are specific to who we are.  I do not want to minimize anyone's suffering or imply that I have any clue about the pain.  I have only known my own, and outside of that I can only try to imagine and sympathize.  For one woman having a husband who struggles with pornography can reap devastation.   For another dealing with a souse who is depressed can be a burden that feels too difficult to bear.  Our suffering and pain is unique and individual to our situation and our own places of insecurity and woundedness, but God's redemptive power is available in the same way to all of us.  His desire is for our wholeness and he uses marriage to bring out the junk in us...like fire brings out and burns up impurities in metal.  So whatever our situation or trial, we will come out the other side a different person.  And as we walk through our own pain we are equipped to help others through similar struggles.

Ok, I realize that I have barely scratched the surface of the questions, but the things that I want to say will take hours, and as I share my life and attention with 3 little people and a full day ahead I must pause for now and continue this later.

Focus on the good...

By dinnertime today I was feeling overwhelmed by life(mostly mess and the chores that had been left undone).  I was scrambling to clean up the mess I'd made painting the stairwell, the mess the kids had made throughout the day, and the mess leftover from last night's dinner.  At the same time I was trying to cook a meal(or at least decide what to make) and keep an eye on the little people in my life.  It seemed that everywhere I looked I saw something else that needed my attention and even my rambling thots drifted to things I had yet to do.   I was quite a mess.   Totally frazzled and overwhelmed.  At that point I decided that I should call my loving husband, because surely he would care...and listen and make me feel better.  Of course my timing couldn't have been worse for him as he was dodging through Vancouver traffic and anxiously trying to get home.  Instead of sympathetically listening and being supportive, he said he needed to get back to driving and that he thot I had called about something important and as I hung up the phone I think I muttered "thanks for nothing.".  Can you picture it.  I know we've all been there.  I was offended and began to grumble and shed a couple self pitying tears and then got on with making dinner and cleaning up and the world did not fall apart.  Surprise. Surprise.  By the time the love of my life walked in door, the house was clean, the kids were fed and I was more myself...he had called to apologize and let me vent a little while before and that helped too.  I have an idea that marriage can be kind of like my dinnertime melt down.  When we focus on the negative and all the things we want to fix we can get overwhelmed.  We can get bitter or have a little pity party and get ourselves kind of stuck.   But lately I have been reminded about all the great things about marriage and that is where I am choosing to focus my attention.  I have an amazing husband who is a total gift to me.  He works his ass of daily to provide the awesome life that we have.  He challenges me to be different.  He tells me the truth instead of telling me what I want to hear.  He makes me happy.  He likes my laugh.  He is trusting God to guide his decisions.  He tries really hard to be available to me and listen to me when I need to talk.  He encourages me to have a life and do things that I love.  I know that he even likes me, which is a good feeling.   We are still enjoying each other after 10 years together.  Yes, we both still need work and we fail daily, but I don't want to my focus to be on that.  Those thing will work themselves out just like my day did.  Now the kids are in bed and I have had my prayer time for marriage  and I have shared these thots with anyone who is listening.  Erica posted a cool comment on here and I'm gonna add it...cuz it's good." Marriage is work but I find it helps to remember why we got married in the first place and that beneath all the daily fuss there is a strong, unbreaking foundation.  Like a house near a row of pine trees where all the needles have fallen on the roof.  If you leave the layers there too long, it will rot your roof.  So every once in a while you've got to get up there and sweep the crap off.  God is the one to throw you the broom, sometimes in a gentle jaunty way as if to say "Hey, heads up...here comes a broom"  Other times he chucks it like a javelin and it hits you in the face."   

May God bless you as you pray with me.

???

Well I guess it was day 5 and nothing profound really happened...in the natural.  It seems it was a little easier to pray, but perhaps because a friend prayed for me.  Living in the natural, we're doing battle in the spiritual and I suppose that is what she did for me today.  Another friend of mine shared with me how she had begun to speak the truth in a situation where a marriage was broken. She had encountered opposition from Christian people eager to just let things be and keep silent.  It is amazing to me how little deceptions have crept into the Christian community.  You hear little comments here and there and wonder how we have gotten so far away from God's heart of redemption and restoration.  I even have a friend who's closest support people in her life are rooting for her marriage to fall apart because they don't approve of her husband.  How in the world did it come to that.  God blesses marriage...yet we are waiting and betting on them to fail.  And then once people have decided to separate, everyone either keeps silent or is eager to support their friend along the road to divorce instead of speaking God's hope in the midst of brokenness.   In the Bible, God allowed divorce because of hardness of hearts.  I was thinking about that today.  We harden our hearts to protect ourselves from being hurt and feeling pain, but it also keeps us from seeing God's redemptive power work.  He has the power when we are willing to forgive to wipe the slate clean of bitterness and mistrust.  Even in the case of infidelity, God can redeem marriages for His glory.  The more I look around, the more convinced I am that we need to keep doing battle in the heavenly realm.  Marriage is so vulnerable, people are so deceived or unwilling to stand for the truth.  I am proud of my friend who is praying for and encouraging restoration.  She is taking a risk...a risk that people will misunderstand and judge her.  That takes more courage than keeping silent does.  And I am joining with her to pray for restoration.  Keep praying friends!!! "Step by step we're moving forward, little by little taking ground, every prayer a powerful weapon, strongholds come tumbling down and down and down"  Share your experiences as you pray.  Are you finding it hard.  Are you seeing things differently?  When we share even our struggles, we may just encourage someone else to keep going or give someone else a chance to bear out burdens.

remember the warning???a note to self...

Well it is day 4 of this venture praying for marriage and like my warning a couple days ago said...expect opposition and that is what I am facing right now.  Because I am surrounded by 3 little people all day, I like to wait till I can get away alone to spend the time in prayer...usually right after I put the kids to bed.  So tonight just after dinner I got this wierd nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach that got progressively worse until the kids bedtime.  I felt depressed/lonely/nervous/fat...wierd...and I wanted to do anything else but pray.  So I figured I had better get on my knees.  Then when I did I was bombarded with fear.  It was a battle for me and I admit that I instinctively wanted to run away from it, but I pressed through and prayed again for marriage and my friends and those of you who are walking through this with me.  It was definately not easy but at the same time I am even more convinced that this little venture is a threat to the enemy who delights in seeing marriages fall apart.  

The thing that I have learned about myself over the years is that I don't like work, I don't like feeling yucky, and I don't like feeling nervous or fearful.  It makes me want to turn and run instead of stand and fight.  But I must.  The same way I must stand and fight for my marriage.  The same way I need to work to do things differently when conflict arises with my husband.  And the same way I need to face my negative feelings instead of running away from them.  I heard a quote today and I might have remembered it slightly wrong, but you'll get the gist.  "Marriage isn't meant to make you happy, it's meant to make you holy. " I guess that is why it is such a threat to the enemy of our souls.  God's desire is for us to become more like Him and He uses marriage to work out that purpose.  It is so sad to see so many throw in the towel and miss out on the refining that takes place through the years in marriage.  So if like me, you're finding it hard to persevere and pray...press through, because it is a worthy fight and it is vital that we win...May God give us all the strength to stand in prayer for the next 26 days.

Telling the truth in a world full of lies.

Ok.  I have to tell you that when I got married 10 years ago, I fully expected the Fairy Tale.  I had found or rather God had given me the perfect man for me, and somehow I figured that the life we were entering into together would be free of conflict and struggle.  God had shown me that this was the man for me and I couldn't imagine that His purpose could be anything but perfection for us from day 1.  I hadn't had much experience with dating and men and the few relationships that I'd had never made it beyond the infatuation stage, but somehow I had it in my head that love was all about a "feeling".   And when I had the "feeling" I knew that I loved my man.  Then something unexpected happened to me.  I am one of those people who have a crazy bad reaction to the hormones in  birth control and at the advise of my doctor, I had chosen an injection form that stayed in your body for 3 months.  So 1 month before my wedding I went from being a level headed, rational, happy woman in "love"  to being a mess.  I was a wreck struggling to hold onto that feeling I thot was love while all my other wacked out emotions were telling me my world was falling apart.  Some people have their Fairy Tale bubble burst slowly over time, but this was God's way of speaking to me.  He shattered most of my pre conceived notions about marriage within the first few months.  And my very patient, wise and loving husband began to tell me the truth about what love really was...a choice you make daily to love...love being an action and not a feeling.  And that's what I want to talk about today... the marriages that end because people just aren't "in love" anymore.  The idea that love is a feeling vs a choice to act in love is a deception.   A deception that is causing people to quit before they really have a chance to experience the depth of relationship that comes as we chose to walk through the years together putting love into action.  Marriages are ending because people are convinced that the Fairy Tale is still out there somewhere and that they just must have made a mistake in their choice.  How can we be so deceived?   How can we not understand that love goes deeper than a feeling.  How is it that we don't recognize a lie when we see it.  Why aren't people out there telling the truth.  There is nothing in God's word that describes love as a feeling...that's what TV and Soap Operas do, but God's word tells the truth about Love.  Love is Patient, kind, not proud, forgiving, bearing with one another etc.  It is inevitable that the feeling we have when a relationship is new is going to fade as we walk through the years together, but if we throw in the towel we miss out on something so much deeper and more precious.  The feelings are awesome and exciting, but they always come and go.  We can enjoy them while they are there, but build our foundation on something more sure.  And tell each other the truth as we struggle with shifting our belief from the Fairy Tale to the truth as God tells it.  I always wondered why no one told me about this before I got married.  And why did no one tell me that men really are from Mars, and that no matter how much you think you know each other before you get married, you really don't have a clue, or that no matter how good you think your relationship is, it will be challenged by money issues, family conflict, sexual hangups...excess baggage, unrealistic expectations etc...but those are topics we can discuss on another of the 27 days that are left in this little adventure that you're on with me.

WARNING!!!

Don't be surprised if embarking on this journey with me brings some opposition.  We have an enemy who is threatened by a strong marriage.  Even this morning I find that we are grouchy and snappy with each other...perhaps it's time to get on my knees and spend my 15.  If you find yourself in the same boat...do the same.

Men love your wives...

Well I know that we've all heard that one and we can think of millions of ways our husbands fall short on that one daily.  Possibly that might be the main reason a lot of women feel unfulfilled in their marriage.  But do you know that that is only half the verse and men are only half of the problem.  The other part says, and wives RESPECT your husband.  Do you??? Do you even know what that means.   I say this because I didn't...up until about a year ago.  And like many women, I sat with my best girlfriends and vented/griped about what an unloving husband I had.  I also told him/nagged him almost daily about it...all the while not understanding why that didn't draw us closer together.  Wierd.  I told him every day all the ways he didn't measure up, and instead of drawing closer to me, he pulled farther away.  Then I read a book called LOVE AND RESPECT by Emmerson Eggerichs and my world changed.  The book didn't change my world, God did, but the book was the means that he used to communicate His word to me.  To be honest I only read the book to help a friend who was struggling in her marriage, but I needed only to read the introduction, before I had a revelation that I had never, in 8 years of marriage respected my man and he knew it.  That night for the first time I truly respected him and I went home and told him so.  I also had a list of reasons why, cuz in the book he warns you that they will ask...and he did.  And from there something miraculous started to happen.  I mention all this because what happened to me opened my eyes to what was missing in mine and the majority of my friends marriages...RESPECT.  Before you write this off, I'll tell you one last thing that I didn't know.  A man's #1 need is respect.  They would rather be respected and not loved than loved and not respected.  I didn't believe it when I read it either, but then I asked my husband and he confirmed it.  And so began the healing process.  We had always had a pretty OK marriage, but as God taught me what it meant to respect my husband, our marriage became pretty great.  It takes a shift in thinking(and a touch from God) for a woman who feels unloved, to take responsibility for her part.  So my encouragement on day 2 of 30 days to pray for marriage, is to get your hands on that book and find out how to communicate love in a way that your husband can receive it...RESPECT.  And let God begin to heal your marriage the way he healed mine...even the good marriages will be strengthened by the wisdom in LOVE AND RESPECT.  Sorry I didn't mean for this to be a plug for a book, but I would surely miss something if I simply regurgitated the info...and I truly believe that it is the key to help hurting marriages in our generation. 

What my world is coming to...

This is my small attempt to make a difference in a world where marriages are under attack.  It seems like every day/week I hear a new story about marriages falling apart...Christian marriages.  I realize what I am going to say may offend some, but it is meant to provide hope for others.  I know that I have been given some great tools to build a strong marriage myself, but the tools aren't the hope that I offer.  The hope that I offer is Jesus.  God's purpose when we 

become one" is "till death do us part" and at times He is the only one that can keep you hanging on when nothing else can.  He is the restorer, comforter, peace bringer, heart changer, healer and builder of relationships that are on the verge of brokenness.  He has done a major work on mine in the last few years and I have a strong desire to share the truth that I have learned with others and stand in prayer for Christian marriages.  So on that note I commence day 1 of 30 days that I intend to specifically spend no less than 15 minutes every day in prayer for marriage.  And I ask you to join me and share your thots along the way.